Morning dew covered my filthy rental-car windshield as I rolled out of the parking lot with the most recent object of America’s obsession as my passenger. He exuded eccentricity and a heavy scent of lotion. (No surprise there.)
"Say, boy, got any SHPRAA!?!" [Ross Perot] shouted. I couldn’t understand him. "SHPRAA!" he repeated, unhelpfully. "Got any?"
What the hell was this pint-sized politician yelling at me about at 5 a.m.? I told him I still didn’t understand. “The wipers! You need SHPRAA! Clean ‘em, kid! Use your SHPRAA!”
He wanted me to clean the damn windows with the wiper spray. I did, and he visibly calmed. Then the ride turned into the Ross Perot Show. I barely had to ask him a question before his conversational autopilot kicked in and then there was no shutting him up. He told me he’d run into Michael Jackson in the Bahamas. Jackson apparenty said, “You wouldn’t remember me, but we met a few years ago.” Perot though that was hilarious. “HOW am I gonna FORGIT Michael Jackson?! Now, later that day, I took him motorboating with that kid he’s always with—the Home Alone kid. Nice kid!” (Okay, so Ross Perot, Michael Jackson, and Macaulay Culkin are motorboating in the Bahamas. Is that not the beginning of a joke? Or the end?)
Just finished reading Andy Cohen’s memoir, Most Talkative: Stories from the Front Lines of Pop Culture, and there were some real gems that he highlighted in his book. Prepare for the queue!
Andy Cohen, p. 120
Cohen, Andy. Most Talkative: Stories from the Front Lines of Pop Culture. New York: Henry Holt and Company, LLC, 2012. Print.